Manic Thoughts: 001

Sometimes I don’t even know what the fuck I’m feeling or why the hell I’m even feeling it.

Like, really mom? You couldn’t have passed on other genetic gifts besides mental illness?

My highs are really really high and my lows are super, super low. Right now is a low, low, low. (Not like T-Pain and Flo Rida’s Apple Bottom Jeans, low)

It makes sense though- I’ve been going through one of the many liminal times of my life. In the middle of the journey, on my way out of what was into what will be. Like a snake shedding its old itchy skin, or a baby being squeezed by the muscles of its mothers sacred birth canal; I’m in the painful passage of going through hard times to get where life says I need to be.

Good things that have happened this year that I won’t forget:

  • I was trusted with the role of managing the social media accounts of a company I really, really love and stand behind
  • I was able to afford a whole different type of life that I couldn’t even imagine was real even 6 months ago
  • I’ve become my very own boss by creating a self-named LLC
  • My brain is almost done baking after 25 years (looking forward to that)
  • I got to travel to New York City
  • My artwork was shown in a gallery

Things aren’t as bad as they seem, yet my broken, chemically imbalanced brain can’t see it that way.

I forget things aren’t supposed to come easy. Isn’t the point of life to learn from the bad?

If things were just as simple as I wanted them to be I probably be miserable, more miserable than I already feel that is. But, I digress.

Lessons wouldn’t be learned, levels of experience wouldn’t be achieved, life wouldn’t be lived to its fullest. An experience lost to the excessive need to be something, be someone… But who?? Why?

Social media has not helped with this. FOMO is a real thing and it’s a bitch. It’s my biggest stressor in life..

Watching YouTube vlogs of moms who make it seem so easy. Scrolling endlessly through mind-numbing TikTok. Seeing my high school classmates still in contact via Facebook, going on trips, feeling alive not just alone, but with each other.

I feel so alone sometimes.

But, it’s OK I guess.

The waves in my life, my mental health, are coming in hot. I have one good day, then a bunch of bad days, then a good day, and more bad days.

Can you picture a wave? There’s a low point, a climb, then the peak, the highest point in a waves journey. Then in reverse, the decline, then its lowest point, and so on.

I’m riding that wave, baby!

I don’t mean to complain here, that’s not why I’m writing this. IDK why I’m even riding this I guess.

We go up to go down. We live to die. We love even though it isn’t promised forever.

And, that’s okay. I’m just grateful to even be able to feel these never ending cycles of life.

Ode to Growth in the Liminality

Written in June of 2021 for a Youtube video you can watch at the end of this blog post.

This year has been hard on my mental health.

I’m drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

With too much going on in the world, I’ve been turning inward and learning a lot about myself.

One thing I’ve been noticing is how hard it is for me to simply slow down.

From my two always changing but still itty bitty babies, to my amazing husband. Unexpected family troubles, to bouts of severe depression and anxiety; life has not slowed down for me.

For anyone, really. 

Starting the container garden.

But this little plant garden I’ve been caring for, these plants, have been calming my ever restless soul.

Bringing me out of my head and back into the present moment, giving me a little bit of much needed grounding.

I’ve learned that time spent tending to the Earth is time spent tending to the Soul. 

I think I was a plant in a past life. You see, plants and I have too much in common for there to not be some sort of connection.

It’s strange, but hear me out.

I’ve noticed that much like these little sprouts, my body requires nutrients, sunlight, water, and oxygen. These are essential for all life on earth. They all work together to help my physical, mental, and spiritual body thrive.

And what a great job they’re doing.

Thanks, Earth. 🌎

Just like a plant needs space to spread its roots, I need room for my personality and beliefs to shift into new forms.

Without room to grow, your possibilities become hindered. Your potential for growth is slowed down or can even stop altogether.

Humans need space. Humans need time.

We as humans need the space and time to grow.

Given the chance, space, and time, we will grow.

A view I used to take for granted.

Things are always changing when it comes to the human experience and, to suffer is to fight the change.

Very much like my plant friends, my soul needs sweet tender love and nurturing.

Love is the garden that grows hope, positivity, and faith.

We can attribute some of our greatest manifestations to these 3 things:

Hope that things will turn out good, positivity to help see the light even in the darkest of moments, and faith to power us forward even when it seems there’s nothing to keep pushing for.

These plants remind me that it’s okay to be me. I’m not perfect. But neither are these guys. They just keep going, and growing, and defying the odds.

Strawberries. Yes it’s out of focus.

I see now, life is a spiral that only goes up. You’ve got to let the motion do its thing,.

Let the motion of life move you to places you never thought possible. Good, bad, happy, sad. It’s all so beautiful. And it’s all a useful learning experience. 

So maybe, spend some time outside.

Play with some dirt. Head to the home improvement store and pick up a few new plant friends.

Nurture them.

Watch them grow.

And watch yourself grow too.

Almost a year later it’s insane to think that’s where I was mentally. I can’t even remember the lost place I was in.

It was in this time that I realized I needed therapy, LOL! (Funny ok, I’m talking about myself.)

This was a weird in between time in my life that I figuratively spoke of as my shedding season. Itchy, uncomfortable. I was I was biting and scratching at myself to get the dang thing off and over with.

But much like a newborn during birth, I was being squished and squeezed out a dark tunnel into a new role of who I was destined to be. Today I am more secure in myself than I ever was in my entire life.

This story has no end. I’m always on my journey to a better me. I will only ever be taking proactive steps forward and try to realize when the circles of life are pulling me back.

Breaking generation cycles baby!!